Have you heard the new radio ads for the National Fatherhood Initiative? Two bickering teenagers and a mother who can’t seem to get control of the situation. I’m for an organization that tries to get divorced fathers to stay in their children’s lives, but I hate those ads.

The announcer says "What’s missing here?". He then discusses how children need their father, and one or the other of the teenagers asks the mother when Daddy is coming, or why Daddy doesn’t call. The implication here is that the missing father is the reason the children are such nasty brats. This makes me angry.

These ads imply that children without a father are nasty, selfish little brats. Does this mean that fathers should get custody because mothers can’t raise kids on their own? That’s the impression I get from the ads. What’s really missing in this scene is a true parent. Children need a parent, male or female, who can stand up to them. A true parent wouldn’t put up with the crap that these two are dishing out. Yes, kids bicker and fight, that’s normal. But there has to be a limit, and the parent must set that limit. Growing up in a household without any limits or controls gives the world angry, frightened children, many of whom tend toward violence. But the sex of the parent isn’t the problem.

Look at it from the child’s point of view. If your parent can’t protect themselves from you, how can they protect you from the world? Home should be the place where children can feel safe. If they’re not safe in their own home, where is there any security? I made this mistake. I was an ineffectual parent, and I brought a lousy step-father into the home. I put him out, but it was too late. The damage was done, and I had no control over my household. My eldest daughter didn’t feel safe, and had no faith in me. I lost my precious firstborn for many years, because the limits I set were too little too late. She went to live with her father at 14. A piece of my heart went with her.

But I still had two at home, and the realization that my parenting was a big part of the problem. I set limits and enforced them. Some people thought that my second daughter had too much freedom, but she earned that freedom. We understood each other, and I trusted her. Did she break the rules? Of course she did! That’s part of growing up. But she didn’t do it often. She didn’t lie when I confronted her, and she took whatever consequences there were without a complaint. It’s the same now with my son. When he goes somewhere, I know where he’s going and when he will be back. I know what’s going on in his life. He knows the rules, and when he breaks them he takes the consequences. That’s life.

Am I a perfect parent? Good God no. Would my kids have been happier growing up in a two-parent household? With a good father, most likely. Are my kids happy, responsible adults? My girls, yes. My son isn’t there yet, but he’s well on his way. I am very thankful that my ex-husband was able to give my oldest the security she needed to get her life back in balance. I wish things could have been different, but you can’t change the past. All you can do is go forward from here with new knowledge. That’s what I did and what other parents must do.

Should custody always go to the mother? No. I know plenty of fathers who are better parents. Should the non-custodial parent be in the children’s lives? Absolutely, unless they are abusive. If nothing else, they can serve as a bad example. That’s what my second husband did.

Does the National Fatherhood Initiative still have my support? I’m not sure. I won’t support any organization that says one sex or the other is the better parent. Being a true parent comes from the heart and mind, not the genitals.

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READERS COMMENTS:

Regarding the National Fatherhood Initiative ads, remember that the goal is
to have fathers realize that they are needed, not just desired in their
children's lives. If the ads showed a single-parent household running
smoothly, this point would not be made. I am well aware that many women
(and men) raise their children to be well-adjusted, productive members of
society, but I feel that the ads are trying to show a "worst-case" scenario.
Having walked in the shoes of a single-parent (my husband was not able to be
a regular part of our son's life until he was about 18 months old due to the
military---averaging only 1-2 weekends a month), I know how trying it can be
to feel like you don't have the support you would like from a child's
father. I was blessed with parents that were able to provide the support I
needed to function during this time. However, the ads are right on the
money when they depict the need of all fathers to take an active role in
raising their children. Sometimes the best way to get someone to straighten
up and fly right is to show that you need them to, not that you want them
to.

Angie

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